Funny or Die..on politics

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Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?

Everyday I read some story about some stupid person, or group of stupid people. I usually just shake my head and think to myself, what the hell is wrong with this person/these people.

Today's story made me not only shake my head and talk to myself, but literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Read this and tell me what you think...
Story of today's idiocy

Big Sports News In Detroit

What a great Wednesday morning...Matt Millen in GONE! I am thankful that someone involved with the Lions sees that he is useless and has been since the day he started (although they are several seasons late in making this change). But really, there are so many other changes that need to be made...this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can only imagine that a new President/GM will want his own coaches, etc. so if I was Marinelli I might be looking over my shoulder. So begins another 3-5 year rebuilding plan that leaves us at the same place we were before Millen was hired. And where will we be in 3-5 years? Hopefully not saying the same things all over again.

Secondly, and on a sadder(?) note, my heart-attack pitcher for the Tigers, Todd Jones, announced his retirement today. Although he was once a good pitcher, he has been a heart attack waiting to happen...or as Ernie called him, "roller coaster". I am sad to see good players retire, but this move has been a long-time coming. I am just concerned that there will not be ANYONE in the bullpen next season. I think that this is the beginning of the rebuilding again for the Tigers. Kenny Rogers will probably retire too, but maybe they can hire him to work with the young pitchers. Look at what he did in 2006 with the rookies pitchers we had. Although nothing good has happened with pitching since then, so who knows.

Food Debate

From Wine Me, Dine Me

Coke or Pepsi? Coke, but if I am out at a restaurant Pepsi will suffice

Thick crust or thin for your Pizza? Thick...hello, can you say Pizzapapalis deep dish (spinach special, no mushrooms...maybe add some italian sausage)

Rare or Well Done for you steak? Rare. My tastes have gotten progressively rarer as I've gotten older.

Hot Dogs or Hamburgers? Hamburger...slice of onion, lettuce, cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickles

Ketchup or Mustard on your hot dog? Mustard and relish...save the ketchup for the fries

Cake or Pie? Yes please, a sliver of both would be great

Brownies with a fine, glossy crust, or soft cake brownies? Soft cakey brownies...

Nuts in the brownies? Yes, if I make them they have nuts, but are not necessary if I am buying them or someone else has made them.

Vanilla or Chocolate ice cream? Vanilla...you can add chocolate as a topping

Blue cheese or ranch dressing with your Buffalo wings? Ranch because I use it for the celery...the Wings don't need anything

Soup or Salad? Salads. I love salad in any form.

Butter on your Popcorn? Do I have to eat it...not a popcorn fan (unless it is kettle corn...)

Pork or Beef barbecue? PORK, save beef for steaks and burgers

Coffee or tea? Tea

Beer from a can or a bottle? Bottle...Canadian

Oreos or Hydrox? Oreos.

Little Debbie or Hostess? Little Debbie, oatmeal pies or swiss cake rolls

Bacon or Sausage? Bacon, put the sausage in my gravy

Eggs Scrambled or Fried? Scrambled. Only like fried if the whites and yolks are FULLY cooked

thought for today...

Thanks Alanis for the wonderful lyrics that are summing up "me" right now...

From Its a Bitch to Grow Up

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

And...

From On the Tequila

Bring on the Tequila oh
On fire on Tequila oh
Mostest most on Tequila oh
Bestest friends on Tequila oh

Damn it, I hate when some people are right...

So, this was written by my friend, Michele, about 4 years ago. How come it still rings true for me?

I originally tapped Wells for one book in particular to illustrate the current state of my love life, although reading through a list of his works, I am reminded there are others with oddly appropriate titles, like “The Invisible Man” or “War of the Worlds.” But no, this time it’s all about “The Island of Dr. Moreau.”

Yes, it’s true. My love life has finally reached the point of paralleling really gruesome science fiction.

“Moreau” is one of my all-time favorite books, written by one of my all-time favorite authors, and even commemorated by one of my all-time favorite bands, Oingo Boingo, in the song “No Spill Blood.” I wish I could say that cinematic monstrosity with Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando was one of my all-time favorite movies, but hey, I gotta draw the line somewhere. That just sucked. Not only that, but Mike Myers’ mini-me was way cuter than Brando’s.

Anyway, if you’ve never read “Moreau,” it’s about a rather twisted vivisectionist who is ostracized by society and relocates to a remote island, where he tries to create people out of animals. One of the ways in which he attempts to keep the animal-men from reverting back to animals is with a strict set of five laws which, when broken, result in a trip to the House of Pain for the offending man-beast. And somewhere in all of that, there is material directly relevant to my love life and its current unpleasant state.

I’ve certainly done my fair share of dating, sometimes with really great guys, sometimes with world-class buttnuggets, and that experience has taught me this: There are five laws that MUST be strictly obeyed when dating in order to avoid a trip to the House of Pain. (There! See? My love life IS just like an HG Wells novel! You bunch of doubting Thomases! You thought I couldn’t tie them together!)

Those rules are:

1. Never date men with dangerous jobs
2. Never date men who smoke
3. Never date men who are shorter than me
4. Men who say “fat chicks have better personalities” really mean “I am under the mistaken impression that fat chicks have lower standards and are more likely to put up with my crap.”
5. When a man sends you mixed signals, the negative ones are the ones to take seriously.

As Dale Carnegie would say, that last one is so important, I’m going to repeat it: When a man sends you mixed signals, the negative ones are the ones to take seriously.

Each and every time I’ve broken one or more of these rules, the result has been unpleasant at best, disastrous at worst.

Every. Single. Time.

And I always get myself into hot water the same way: I meet somebody for whom it seems worth it to make an exception. Remember Jay, the guy with whom I became inexplicably smitten, who dumped me for someone else and didn’t even bother to tell me? I knew I was violating the first three rules when I dated him– he was a short cop who smoked. By the time the thing was over, I had violated all five. An all-expenses paid trip to Chez Pain.

Such is the fate of the smitten.

You may want to look away from your screens for a moment, because I’m about to quote Britney Spears:

Oops, I think I did it again.

In this case, I only violated one rule, but I violated it for a period of several months, because I just really am that big of an idiot. And lo and behold, I’m back in Chez Pain, and they kept the light on for me.

Damn it all. She wrote the story of my life for me...then AND now.

Realizations

I was introduced to a "new" (at least to me) blog yesterday. It was at the suggestion of a friend, who does not know that I know she has a blog, let alone that I read her blog every day.

Anyway...this new blog is very insightful. As a matter of fact, I have had a HUGE realization while reading it....I AM NOT THE SMARTEST PERSON AROUND. I know that this seems an odd statement, but most of the time, I truly believe that I am the smartest person in the room. And not just book smart (which I might be able to say that I am not), but I am pretty worldly smart. I have to say that even if I don't immediately know the answer, I am QUICK at being able to find it.

Today's insight:
1. Farting makes for great laughs
Let me start by saying...I don't want to smell farts. But to hear someone fart, makes me giggle. If they can do it on command, even louder laughter. And the fact that when I walk through the grocery store and want to do a "fart walk"...come on, purely hilarious. As a matter of fact, I can confirm that my dog does a fart walk. Side story...we went on vacation over memorial day weekend and rented a cabin in the mountains near Gatlinburg, TN. The first morning we were there, the dog goes walking by me and lets out 6 (yes, 6!) farts. He kept walking, pretending he had no idea that his ass just made noise. I looked around thinking I was imaging it. Nope, I had witnesses to the fart walk! I am scared now every morning when he walks by me, that he is on his fart walk. Again, no need for smelling them!
2. Everyone is screwed up and I would rather gnaw off my arm that discuss why *I* am screwed up
I have a great wall built around me. I know it is there, I know it is high, and I know that it is difficult to get through. I wish that everyone else could see it too, cause it sure would save me a lot of time and trouble. I need therapy. I have known this for a while. Hell, the wonderful State of Michigan used to pay for part of it when I was a kid. Too bad they don't continue that program once you become an adult. I will never forget the one and only therapist I truly could open up to. I wish Doug was still around, cause I would probably be tempted to see him every few weeks. I guess I just don't know where to begin to find a therapist now. I have asked friends that I know see someone for recommendations, but therapy is such a highly personal thing that I think I need to find someone on my own. But where to begin? And would I really go? I mean, come on, I am 35 years old and have some issues. I won't begin to go in to them here, but they would probably shock the people that know me.

Ok, enough for now...

~J